I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
