before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
