I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
