your room smells of hookers.
And success
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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