Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
