You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
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Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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