chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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