So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
