Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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