its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
