just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
