I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
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