My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
