You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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