who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
