Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
