You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was like eating out sand paper
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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