somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Still dying that you shit outside
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
