i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
