so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
