She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
