New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
