the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
