Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
