Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
