The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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