I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
