Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
