And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
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He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
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Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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