I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
