I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
