nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
