if you like me you must not know who I am
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
