If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
