I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
