Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
