he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize