i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
