hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
