I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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