I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
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You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
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I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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