I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Green mimosas i think yes
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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