what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
