hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
