Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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