Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
