I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
