So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
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Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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