Ketchup is God's man juice
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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