I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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