Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
