If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
