I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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