woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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