when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
