Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
