I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
